What is Bullying in Kindergarten, Take 2

Three weeks after the haircutting incident (Please see 2 previous entries: "Our First Call from the Principal's Office" and "What is Bullying in Kindergarten?"), my husband and I met with the principal and the assistant principal at my daughter's school on Thursday after school, as well as the guidance counselor and my Darling Daughter 1 (DD1)'s kindergarten teacher.  We initially called the meeting to discuss what had happened and to determine a shared, productive course of action in response to the incident.  The good news is that my DD1appears to be exhibiting new found confidence in her ability to be a friendly girl who can also effectively set boundaries with her school peers.  More specifically, my DD1 has recently expressed a desire to be friends with the classmate who cut off a lock of her hair.  When I asked her "What has changed?" my daughter replied that her classmate now listens to her when she says "stop" and "no," and consequently my DD1 perceives that it is now possible to choose to engage with this classmate because the terms of their interactions are no longer controlled solely by her classmate.  Given my daughter's change of heart over the past two weeks, my agenda for the meeting with the school administration shifted from exploring how the school could work with us to protect my DD1 from her harasser, to how we could work as a team to sustain this change in their peer dynamic.

I have been wondering what might account for the change in my DD1's classmate's mode of interaction from intrusive and at times intimidating to more responsive and respectful?  I have been wondering, too, what might account for my daughter's increased capacity to speak up for herself with a challenging classmate?  Is it coincidence that this over-zealous classmate (OZC) started listening better to my DD1 after their classroom teacher returned and met with OZC one on one to recount the incident?  Or the fact that the OZC was then approached by the assistant principal and told to leave our DD1 alone?  Has my daughter's new assertiveness been spurred on by the fact that the school guidance counselor has finally met with her twice in the last 2 1/2 weeks?  Or, perhaps, by the fact that at home my husband and I have given our DD1 explicit permission to say "no" to her OZC?   And how much of this stepped up effort on the part of the school personnel was triggered by our filing of a formal "Bullying and Harassment Reporting Form"?

What we learned in last Thursday's meeting is probably emblematic of both the promise as well as the limitations of public education.  For we learned that while the assistant principal did think it was important to call home to report the incident directly to me three weeks ago, the other girl's parents have not yet been called because it was the OZC's first referral to the principal's office.  And while our daughter has finally had the opportunity to meet individually with the school guidance counselor, my DD1's classmate has not yet been similarly engaged.  Furthermore, neither the teacher, the assistant principal, nor the guidance counselor has checked in with my DD1 to inquire as to whether or not the OZC has yet apologized, nor have any of them yet facilitated such an apology.  And finally, while the assistant principal has recently informed both girls that they are not to play with each other at recess, and she has communicated this expectation to the three lunchroom and recess aides, what has not yet been made clear to either girl is that this hiatus period is only until the time at which these two classmates can participate in a facilitated conversation about the haircutting incident.

What I have learned from my conversation with the principal is that it will likely be incumbent on us, my husband and me, to keep the school informed of any patterns that appear to be emerging, positive or negative, regarding our daughter.  We cannot assume that the school personnel will interpret the seriousness or magnitude of a particular incident as we do.  Second, I think it is probably best if we do not expect that our daughter's teachers will  reach out proactively to communicate individually with my husband and me regarding our daughter.  Instead, perhaps what is a more reasonable expectation is to hope for our daughters' teachers to be responsive to our on-going requests for communication, counsel, and/or assistance. And third,  if we do not conceive of kindergarten as a forum for the modeling and development of our daughters' social-emotional skills, but rather we understand it as a tightly academic enterprise, then we will have adjusted our expectations to better fit the current kindergarten priorities in our local school district.

I ask my readers in closing:   What can and should parents expect of the public schools, in terms of the degree of communication about their individual children's progress, challenges, and strengths?