Over this past week, my husband and I have been winding down each day by trading worries about the incident that occurred last Friday at school. Has our Darling Daughter 1 (DD1)'s teacher been informed of the incident? Do the other girls' parents know what happened, and how was the incident conveyed? Did the school administration express "zero tolerance" for the behavior, or did they simply report "the facts"? What will be the follow up for what happened? What should be the response, follow up, and accountability on the part of the school personnel to assure our daughter's safety?
I spent two hours yesterday afternoon on the elementary playground enjoying the early onset of spring and the informal celebration of my younger daughter's birthday with her sister's friends and siblings. The perpetrator of the incident last Friday was part of the mix on the playground yesterday, and she appeared to be in hot pursuit of my daughter's attention and affection. Several times, my DD1 shrugged off her classmate's arm around her shoulder, or shook off her hand in an attempted grasp. When we got home yesterday evening, I spoke with my DD1 about her feelings regarding her classmate; "Do you want to be friends with this classmate? Do you like it when she puts her arm around you or chases you on the playground?" I asked. "No, Mommy, I don't want to be friends with her" my DD1 stated. "Are you afraid of her?" I queried next. "No, I'm not afraid of her, but she doesn't listen when I say 'no' or 'stop,' and I don't think the teachers would understand if she tells on me."
Our school district has a formal anti-bullying policy, in which the school board signals a commitment to ensuring that all schools are "safe" environments in which students are free of "bullying, harassment, or intimidation." Bullying or harassment is defined in this policy as "intentional conduct that creates a hostile educational environment by substantially interfering with a student’s educational benefits, opportunities, or performance, or with a student’s physical or psychological well-being." Upon the submission of a formal "Bullying, Harassment, or Intimidation Incident Reporting Form," the school district policy requires that school personnel take immediate action to intercede on behalf of the student who is being bullied or harassed.
Given our concerns for the toll that her classmate's over-zealous attention may (continue to) take on our daughter, I am coming to see that what my husband and I have been deliberating upon through our back and forth this week is whether or not the hair cutting incident last Friday, in combination with the history of their prior interactions, can be identified as harassment or bullying? If we don't characterize this classmate's interactions with our daughter as such, can we trust that the school personnel will take our concerns seriously enough? Or is it only by naming what happened last week as bullying or as harassment, and by signaling this framing through the submission of a formal incident report, that we can be assured that our daughter's teachers, guidance counselor, and school administrators will act to help protect her, and will support our DD1 in her attempts to establish a firmer boundary between herself and her classmate?
My questions to my readers extend from my week's deliberations with my husband: What is our role in helping our daughter navigate the intrusive demands of her classmate? How do you know when a pattern of peer interaction is a form of harassment or bullying? In kindergarten, what forms of intervention on behalf of our daughter should we be seeking from the personnel at the school?
What is our role in helping our daughter navigate the intrusive demands of her classmate?
ReplyDeleteJoseph Campbell talks of the various masks we wear in our various roles. When one sets down the teacher mask and picks up the parent mask, there are significant differences. Specifically, as a parent, your role is to advocate strongly on behalf of your child. As a teacher, it is your role to see both sides and work toward a solution. As a parent, it is your role to see to it that your child is safe. Your feelings in this regard are clear, I am sure. Be the strong advocate DD1 deserves.
How do you know when a pattern of peer interaction is a form of harassment or bullying?
Where X is in bounds and Y is out of bounds, where exactly does X become Y? I don't know, but holding down a kid and cutting off their hair is Y. As adults, a class B felony! As a parent, you don't have to consider the exact boundary while as teacher, one struggles with this daily.
In kindergarten, what forms of intervention on behalf of our daughter should we be seeking from the personnel at the school?
1. Get the hair back.
2. Gather the adults without the kids. Let the kids know the adults are going to fix the problem.
3. With the other parents and school reps, develop a plan. Your part of the plan is simple. Scissors Girl may not touch DD1.
Then, if satisfactory, you can don your teacher mask and advise the teacher as to an obvious suggestion: clear sight lines to all areas of the classroom.
I very much appreciate you clear, sage, framing of how to remember the differences between our job as parents versus as educators. I am clear that as both, what I want is to work together with my daughter's teacher and school folks to ensure that she is safe at school from harassment, AND that the girl who cut off my daughter's hair, and who seems desperate to be my daughter's friend, gets some help in learning more appropriate boundaries. We are meeting with the school principal, our daughter's teacher, and the guidance counselor next week. I'll keep you posted on what follows!
DeleteWriting solely from the perspective of a parent, I don't think you can harm your DD1's immediate and long-term educational prosperity by increasing the volume of your complaints and queries. Indeed, I think this is precisely a time for aggressive advocacy for DD1, at least until you are satisfied that the school is not attempting to sweep the incident under the rug. Are they trying to calm things or solve things? I am curious about how the assault was reported internally (especially for a county school system so bent on gathering and centrally monitoring data about the students).
ReplyDeleteFurther, I am wondering about the level of emotional and physical sparring that is going on in this kindergarten. Perhaps this isn't bullying, but who cares what check box the administrators use to deal with the problem. That two students would so willingly gang up on and assault a third in kindergarten is too much. DD1 can't be expected, at age six, to have the gumption and physical strength to fend off multiple peers. If the school doesn't have a plan to deal with this, if this environment is persistent, then it becomes time to start exploring bigger and longer-term solutions for DD1.
Thank you, "Mojonetic" for your perspective. So much of what the challenge of this transition into kindergarten has been is learning when and how to engage and when to let things take their course. I have been troubled by how much seems to be expected of my daughter and her classmates at times in kindergarten, during small group learning centers, lunch time, and recess, when "sparring" does appear to be prevalent, indeed. And you close with the very question at the heart of angst -- do we trust that our daughter is being well enough served to stay the course, or do we want/need to look to alternatives?
Delete