Learning to Ask for Help in Kindergarten

Perhaps it is merely coincidence that this evening my older daughter (DD1) and I  read a new library book at bedtime entitled, Polka Dot Fixes Kindergarten, in which the kindergarten protagonist begins her first day of school with a "fix it kit" attached to her pocket so that she is prepared in case of any emergencies or situations requiring a degree of resourcefulness.  The protagonist, nicknamed Polka Dot, comes to realize very quickly that without her grandfather nearby to help her when problems arise, kindergarten is a much more challenging world than home.  Since my daughter began kindergarten at our local public elementary school last fall, she, like Polka Dot, has felt at times somewhat lost as to how to ask for help. Until last week, I, too, have felt regularly unsure about when I can seek help on my Darling Daughter 1 (DD1)'s behalf or from whom.  After meeting with our older daughter's elementary principal last Thursday, however, I now know who is available and ready to assist my husband, daughter(s), and me when present and future concerns arise -- namely, the warm, responsive, and insightful Principal at our local elementary school.

What is the help my daughter, my husband, and I have been seeking through most of this year of kindergarten?  As should be evident from many of my previous blog entries, my DD1's on-going struggle this year has been to establish and maintain a workable boundary between herself and an over zealous classmate (OZC) who has determinedly pursued our daughter's "friendship."  It has been taxing for my accommodating daughter to remain vigilant against this classmate's encroachment of her attention and personal space.  When my DD1 has stood up for herself and said "no" or "stop" to her OZC, her requests have not been heeded.  And because my amenable daughter values establishing positive relationships with all of the children in her kindergarten class, she has struggled internally to reconcile her desire to have a permanent break from her OZC and her desire to get along with all of her classmates.  Thus, my DD1 has looked to me for help in navigating these murky waters, and I have, in turn, tried to enlist the personnel at the school to assist and reinforce our daughter in securing some degree of separation from her classmate.

What have I learned this year about asking for help with this matter on behalf of our daughter?  I have learned that while the classroom teacher can and has positively guided the interactions among my DD1 and her classmates during much of the school day, there are other significant parts of the school day, such as lunch, recess, and art, P.E., and music, in which the primary classroom teacher and her guiding hand is absent.  I have learned that while the guidance counselor has engaged with my daughter to generate strategies for how to better assert herself with her peers, the GC's role does not appear to involve disseminating an update about these suggested strategies to her teacher colleagues at the school.  I have learned that while the assistant principal did inform my daughter and her OZC that they were no longer to play with each other at school, my DD1 felt reprimanded rather than supported.  I have learned that while the paraeducators who supervise lunch and recess have at times intervened to separate my DD1 from her OZC, they have done so in such a way that my daughter has felt stigmatized for having done something wrong and embarrassed because she was spotlighted in front of her peers.  And I have learned that up to this point there has been no mechanism by which the three "specials" teachers were informed about our request for help regarding our DD1 and her OZC, and therefore these three teachers have been, in effect, sidelined from doing their potential part to aid our daughter through her struggle.

I have been reminded through my reflections on my daughter's year in kindergarten of Vygotsky's "Zone of Proximal Development," and how learning precedes development for children, children who need to be assisted in growing to the next development stage through the coaching of more capable adults.  Before talking to my daughter's Principal last week, it appeared that we, my husband and I, were largely left to our own devices to teach our daughter how to protect and distance herself from her OZC.  Yet after talking to my daughter's Principal last week, I now have real hopes that the Principal will work in close, coordinated alliance with the personnel at the school to assist our daughter in negotiating an end-of-the-year detente with her OZC.   Moreover, I am reminded of what a profound difference the Principal's response of "I am here to help you" can make to re-enlisting the faith of this new kindergarten parent in the public schools.

To Transfer or Not to Transfer?

This week is spring break from kindergarten.  Last night as she was falling asleep, my older daughter ("Darling Daughter 1/DD1) remarked, "Mommie, I don't like it when my sister wakes up from a bad dream, because then she wakes me up and I start thinking about school and my "over zealous classmate" (OZC).  I don't think I want to have to be friends with her anymore, but I don't know how I can stop having to be her friend."  Leave it to my DD1 to express herself so poignantly.  It has not been the tasks of learning to read, or write, or add, or subtract that has been challenging for my DD1 in kindergarten this year.  No, instead, my older daughter has met a different kind of challenge; she has come up against a classmate who is determined to be her "friend" and who has thrust herself upon my daughter at every opportunity (Please see "What is Bullying in Kindergarten, Takes 1-3).  How can my DD1 get her OZC to back off  so that my daughter has the space to choose for herself whether or not she wants to be this classmate's friend?   How can my daughter learn to shut down her compassion for her classmate, and instead, become cold enough towards her OZC that it is clear that my DD1 is no longer interested in participating in this "friendship."  How can my daughter muster enough internal courage and force to deter her classmate's willful imposition of "friendship"?

While my DD1 has struggled to manage the demands of her OZC, my husband and I have struggled to navigate what we can expect from the staff at our local elementary school in terms of assisting our DD1 with this challenge from her peer.  As a kindergartener, is it reasonable to expect that our daughter should have the social and emotional skill set required to repel a forceful classmate?  Given that my DD1 has a sweet-natured, accommodating temperament, is it only by shedding some of this disposition towards being 'nice' that my older daughter can learn to stand up for herself fully?  Is it reasonable to expect that our DD1 should be able to manage all on her own without some help from the adults at the school?  Or should we be able to to turn to the personnel at the school for assistance? And if so, what forms of assistance might/should be available to our older daughter and to us?

With each round of conversation with the various staff members at the school regarding our concerns about our daughter's on-going struggle with her OZC, my husband and I have met with some empathy for our daughter's strained relationship with her classmate.  And yet in not one interaction with either the classroom teacher, the guidance counselor, the assistant principal, or the assistant principal, have the members of the school staff who are responsible for our daughter's growth in kindergarten communicated that it is either an individual or a collective priority to attend to our daughter's development socially, emotionally, or interpersonally.   So my husband and I are left wondering:  if the focus of the school personnel at our local elementary school is almost exclusively on the academic needs and progress of students, then what about the other development areas in which children need coaching -- are these, by default, left solely to us as parents to guide and nurture?

And thus, my husband and I are also left wondering whether there are alternatives within the system of public schooling with a more holistic approach to working with children, particularly in the primary grades?  How might we go about detecting if one of our other nearby elementary schools has a broader focus?  And if so, should we be starting the process of requesting a transfer to another school?